I recently made the decision to temporarily move from my home in the Twin Cities to the middle of Nebraska thinking I was coming to help my 93 year old mother prepare for and make her transition to the other side.
Instead, it appears as though she has re-enlisted.
She is amazing - this mother of mine.
She is in a total state of bliss. Her doctor had recommended hospice but upon his first appointment with her after I had brought her home from the hospital he assessed, with pleasure, that hospice was not appropriate at this time. She is now simply on home health care which means, besides intermittent health care support, it is just mom and me.
I grind all of her favorite foods so she does not aspirate and I respond to her every need without hesitation or delay.
Other than this - I watch. I study. I learn.
My cousin was over last night. Mom told him she could not be happier to be home. Then, she glanced over at me and added, “I am not sure Cathy is happy about it - but I sure am.”
I laughed and said, “ No, I would not be here if I did not want to be. I am too damn old to do anything I do not want to do.” He and I laughed. Mom smiled. Then I added, “It is a gift being with her at this point in her life. I lovingly call her the Dalai Mama! She is ZEN personified.”
And this is true. It is simply amazing to watch her - yes, even study her. She is at home, literally and figuratively, and she is modeling for me how to be the same.
She is, at this time in my life, my greatest teacher. She is teaching me how to just be - in the moment - totally fulfilled for what each moment offers, without expectation, without disappointment.
Heart-filled seconds - thankful to just be. Feet bobbing, in child-like fashion, she closes her eyes and sleeps in her recliner. Unadulterated joy exudes from the heart of her soul right out the bottoms of her feet!
I asked her once if she were afraid to die. She paused and said, “No, not really - I just love living so much I don’t want to leave.”
It feels so gratifying to be here that I called my best friend the other day and asked if she thought perhaps I was hiding from my own life because this felt so good. Having been through this with her own father she assured me that was not the case. “It is just so relaxing to be in their presence… there is a peace and a serenity that seldom we get to see.”
I know at some point the end will come - maybe next week - maybe in a month or so - maybe not even for a year - but each moment is a gift - it is a dance we do as we waltz through her daily routine of meds and exercises and short trips to the bathroom
with oxygen in hand.
A high school friend, who lives down the street, links me to the outside world. A baby monitor provides mom and I the freedom to be away from each other while still in touch. My work-out equipment, computers, printers and all of my office paraphernalia have taken over her basement. I continue to write, to do my radio show, phone consults and even on line webinars, but I am forever listening - as if I am her higher guardian - just a whisper away. She calls my name and I am within 7 seconds of responding.
But I am always listening. I have become familiar with her sounds … the crackling sound of her opening her favorite piece of candy … the cough which summons me to offer her a sip of water … the sound of her sighing as she watches the birds outside … but mostly the sound of her breathing. The other day I had the monitor close by when I was doing my daily sit ups and all of a sudden I realized I was pacing myself to her rhythmic breaths. It was like being back in the womb - magnificent - breath-giving - spell binding.
Yes, at this time in each of our lives, we are dance partners and our dance cards are full. It is just me and her - me and my dog and me and my work. What a reprieve from my day-to-day world. In this small town in the middle of Nebraska where there is one stop light, one grocery store and health food is Kraft cheddar cheese and jiffy peanut butter - I am learning how to just be.
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